Imagine: You’re sitting on that padded but still somehow cold and uncomfortable table, paper sheet beneath you crinkling with every move, and thin gown clasped closed, waiting for the doctor to come in— likely after going over your medical history a couple of times with a couple of PAs for good measure. You’re here to ask some questions about a new sexual partner (Why did I need the gown for this…?) but as soon as the doctor walks in, it suddenly all feels rather embarrassing.
If you’ve ever left a doctor’s office feeling anything other than completely safe and comfortable to ask those awkward questions about your own body and sexual health, you’re definitely not alone. In one international study of over 27,000 patients, more than half reported having at least one sexual problem or concern, but only 19 percent had sought medical care for it, and only 9 percent had even been asked about their sexual health by a provider in the past three years.1
But if you have questions or concerns about sex, your doctor is the exact right person to talk to, and as the research suggests, they may not ask about it unless you bring it up.
Why your doctor is the right person to talk to
Sexual health is health. Full stop. Things like pain during sex, changes in libido, vaginal dryness, unusual discharge, or questions about contraception and fertility aren't separate from your physical wellbeing; they're deeply connected to it.
Your doctor has heard it all. In fact, surveys show that among patients coming in for routine gynecological care, 99 percent had at least one sexual concern, the most common being lack of interest (87 percent), difficulty with orgasm (83 percent), painful intercourse (72 percent), and unmet sexual needs (67 percent.)2
Why nobody's bringing it up
According to Chancellor’s Professor of Medicine, Richard Gunderman, there seem to be a couple of things going on. One, he says, many medical schools don’t teach doctors how to talk to their patients about sex, so they often leave it up to the patient to bring up. And then two, the patient doesn’t bring it up, so it never gets discussed.2
A big part of this (at least in our culture where sex is still stigmatized), patients might feel ashamed, nervous, or unsure if it's "appropriate." In one study focused on women trying to conceive, nearly 25 percent of those who didn't discuss their sex life with their doctor cited feeling ashamed, uncomfortable, or uncertain about whether it was appropriate to bring up.3
Self advocacy, a.k.a., how to bring it up
- Be direct. No need to ease into the conversation or make your doctor feel comfortable. Try to keep in mind this is a medical professional; they have seen and heard it all, and their job is to help you.
- Don’t wait until the end of the appointment. Waiting until the end of the appointment might not allow you the time to discuss something on your mind, and it could be easier to simply let the topic go entirely by the time you’re itching to leave.
- Write it down beforehand. Writing down your thoughts beforehand is a great way to get clear on what you actually want to talk about.
- Use the words that feel most natural. You don’t need to know the clinical jargon to be taken seriously. Use the words that make you feel safe discussing the topic.
- Don’t accept gaslighting. It can be so disheartening to feel dismissed by your doctor, and unfortunately, this is pretty common (especially for women.)4 If you feel dismissed or gaslit, it’s appropriate to ask for a referral to a specialist. But we’ll get into more detail on that in a moment.
Topics worth talking about
Reproductive health: This includes everything from irregular periods to PCOS to endometriosis. If something feels off with your cycle or you're experiencing pelvic pain, it's worth discussing, even if symptoms seem minor or you've been brushing them off for years.
Contraceptive services and abortion care: If you have questions or concerns about birth control or abortion care, asking a doctor that you trust can help you navigate next steps. Abortion is a particularly scary topic for patients right now, because the laws have become so murky, so let’s be clear: Doctors and healthcare providers are permitted to discuss pregnancy options, including abortion, in all states. In no state is it illegal to ask your doctor questions.5
Fertility treatments and family planning: Whether you’re actively trying to conceive or just have some questions, getting accurate information early matters. One study found that nearly 70 percent of women who discussed their plans to conceive with their doctor never brought up their sex life during those appointments, even when they were experiencing sexual pain.3
Vaginal health and comfort: We get it. Discussing vaginal comfort, smell, or discharge can feel really awkward and personal. But this is your doctor. Again, they’ve seen and heard it all. These sorts of changes might mean a common infection like BV or a yeast infection, or even a simple imbalance in your vagina’s microbiome, all of which can be easily treated with an antibiotic, antifungal, or a daily vaginal probiotic — you just have to bring it up.
Sexual discomfort or lack of interest: An estimated 40 percent of women have painful sex at some point in their lives, and even more experience a lack of interest or low libido at some point.6 First of all, if you don’t want to be having sex, you should never have to. But if you do want to be wanting to have sex and your lack of desire is bothering you, your doctor might be able to help, or point you in the right direction.
STIs: Concerns about STIs should always be discussed with your medical provider, plain and simple. They can help you get tested, treated, and answer any questions you might have.
What to do if you feel dismissed
Unfortunately, women feeling dismissed by doctors is nothing new. A doctor gaslighting a female patient today is 2026’s version of “Calm down, you’re being hysterical.”
If your doctor’s reaction makes you feel this way, remember that you’re allowed to advocate for yourself and ultimately, switch doctors if it’s still not working out. You can start by saying something like, “This is impacting my quality of life and I want to make sure we address it.” You can ask to make sure something is noted in your chart. You can request a referral to a specialist. You can ask for a second opinion. You can demand that your concerns are taken seriously, and if your doctor won’t do this, it may be time for a new doctor.
You deserve to be heard
Remember, sexual health isn’t a niche topic or bonus item to be added onto your medical checklist. It’s a core part of how you feel in your body every single day, and the only way your provider can help is if they know what’s going on.
So be direct, say it first, write it down; whatever it takes to have that conversation with your doctor. They won’t judge you; it’s their job to help, and the best thing you can do for your health is to let them.
